An Interview with Mort R. Board, age 25, date # 3:
Sort of thing you do at work: Fill out surveys for online dating blogs and play fantasy baseball. I also occasionally do paralegal work while in my office. No, I’m not planning on going to law school.
Most impressive thing you’ve ever done: Won the Blockbuster video game championship for Bayonne, NJ. And momma said i’d never amount to nothin’.
Most impressive thing you’ve ever done in front of a large crowd: Once i was a member of the JAG corp responsible for defending some marines who were charged with killing one of their comrades. I had Jack Nicholson on the stand and he was being a total douche, but then I screamed “I WANT THE TRUTH!” at him and he completely unraveled and gave his case away. Fuckin’ awesome day for me.
Most dissapointing gym class moment: When i was in 3rd grade I tried out for the girls track and field team. Jersey City doesn’t waste any time teaching its inner-city youth that athletics is the only “way out”.
Most obscure fun fact about yourself: I have three sisters and an unusually high level of estrogen, so i’m alot more versed and comfortable with girly media than most guys. Like, i quote Clueless and Mean Girls. I also have a love for the movie West Side Story that is so deep it scares even me.
How you will know when you found your soulmate: She will make me want to try.
My most interesting encounter with authority was: Does authority mean cops? I guess i’m supposed to put something here that makes me seem experienced and slightly edgy, but nothing so bad that I might look scary or scummy. Like the time me and my frat bros. Stole a street sign and almost got busted and not like the time a cop choked me with his night stick because i was out of my mind on meth.
Finish these sentences:
When I have lots of free time I - think about how i’m wasting my life with all of this unproductive time.
I go on facebook often enough to be - well practiced in coming up with witty one-liners. A most useful skill when it comes to filling out surveys for reality dating blogs.
A date with a girl should - be an honest conversation.
Central park is dangerous at night because - affluent yuppie joggers can be very irritable when crowded.
Socks are for - filing with nickles and swinging.
Meat is because. I’m not going to try to be entertaining when forced to use such non-sense as a starting point. You’re setting me up for failure.
I will always make time - to play softball/baseball.
Alcohol is - my alpha and omega.
I would do anything for love, but I won’t do - that
I never match my - fantasy qb and #1 wr. If one goes down both drop in value severely. Don’t put all your eggs in one basket.
